Since I began this blog just a little over two weeks ago, I have learned so much from not only my fellow bloggers, but from Twitter folks, and especially from Facebook groups dealing with chronic pain and/or fibromyalgia. I have learned that we all have the same stories, just our symptoms differ. What we all have in common are horror stories about how we’re treated by either the medical community, some of our own doctors, pharmacists, and even family and friends. On the other hand, I’ve also learned that we all share hope, concern, compassion, and care for one another. Thankfully, the good always outweighs the bad. And hope always, always prevails.
So if you read my last post, the letter that I wrote to my rheumatologist, you might be wondering what happened. I was so nervous to approach her, because I had only seen her twice. Both times, she typed in her computer, rarely making eye contact. Although she was helpful in explaining certain things, and changing some of my meds, I should have trusted my gut instinct: that I really didn’t know her, and thus, to tread lightly with what I’d tell her. But I’m an honest person. I went to my appointment and proceeded to read her the letter. Halfway through, I started crying. She continued typing away, she didn’t say anything until I was finished.
“I can answer some of your questions,” she said. “No, I do not support the use of marijuana in any sense, and not for medicinal use. Furthermore, if medical marijuana is passed here in Florida, I would never prescribe it.” She then proceeded to shame me for my use of marijuana, and that if I had a dirty UA after this initial drug test, that she would kick me out of her practice. And, I would be drug tested every 2-4 weeks continually, regardless if my next screen came up negative. Why didn’t I tell her initially? Well, I didn’t know her! But I’m coming clean now.
“There is no reason you shouldn’t be clean after three weeks of stopping,” she said. She said that more than once, insinuating that I was lying. So the result of that letter was: no prescription for my meds, and a thoroughly detailed (I’m sure) account of my letter in my records. Remember, she typed the ENTIRE time. When I told her I had an appointment with a pain management specialist in December, she told me that under no circumstances would this other doctor treat me with THC in my system. I MUST swear to her that under no circumstances would I continue my use. I said I couldn’t do that, although I would continue not using it in order to have a clean UA. I continued to explain that what she was prescribing wasn’t even cutting down on the pain, so why should I promise not to use the other, if it DID help? She mentioned that the pain doctor COULD prescribe other meds, which WOULD help me. In that case, yes, I’d be willing to continue not using marijuana.
I left her office in tears, totally struck down. I continued to cry all day, feeling lost and without any hope. If she wouldn’t even prescribe Tramadol (which is now a scheduled drug, too), what could I do? How in the world would I get any relief ever? But several hours after swollen eyes and a crushed soul, I thought, I really need to talk to my own primary physician and tell her what happened. After all, I have a rapport with her, I can trust her, I can talk to her. In the evening, I had to take my son to an appointment, and it just so happened we were talking to a psychologist. I mentioned to her that I had fibro and had a really crappy day, I was in tears again. After my son left the room, she said, “I want to know about your fibromyalgia. What is going on?” So I proceeded to tell her the nightmare I had just lived.
“How DARE that doctor treat you like that?!?” she exclaimed. “She had absolutely no right to shame you that way. As a doctor, she NEVER should have treated you that way!” I told her I had an appointment with my primary the next day. She suggested that I start my conversation with, “I have something I really need to talk to you about, but I need to do it ‘off the record.'” She said if my doctor was keen, she’d know what I was talking about (the marijuana use). I said that I believed I could be honest with her without repercussions, unlike with that other doctor.
Long story short, my primary physician spent an hour and a half talking to me. She was indeed receptive, indeed compassionate, and never once did she make me feel like a drug addict like that other one did. I even asked her, “In all the time that I’ve been your patient, have I EVER given you the impression that I’m a drug addict?” She shook her head no, and said, “absolutely not.” Furthermore, she too, said the other doctor had no right to treat me like that, to insinuate that I was lying, and that I should end my patient status with that practice.
My doctor had no problem taking over my care, that she would be able to prescribe everything that the other doctor did. She would not subject me to drug tests, and she commended me for my honesty. I think she learned several things from me, because I told her some of the information I had learned. I told her about this blog, and how therapeutic it was for me to write. I think I’m a good writer, and I am touched when people tell me “this is me, this is how I feel, but you write it so well.” I am touched when I can spread some hope among us.
So even though my primary did not advocate my former use (or future use) of marijuana, she did express that if we could get me to the pain management doctor clean, that perhaps he could get me to the point where I wouldn’t feel the need to turn to the other. He just might be able to! And for that, I’m willing to be clean.
This all happened this past Wednesday and Thursday. I discovered that if I use my inner strength, that I can persevere through ANYTHING. And with a great primary doctor, I’ve got one in my corner cheering me on.
There IS hope. Spread the word!
P.S. I’ve continued my at-home drug tests, and after 27 days, I’m still testing positive. Even though I could use, I still haven’t. I’m kind of curious to see when I’ll be truly clean! Of course, when my lab tests return, I’ll know exactly how much was left in my system. How dare that other doctor insinuate I was lying! If she knew anything about marijuana use, she’d KNOW that it takes 1-2 months for THC to leave a “chronic” user. Sheesh, I know more about it than she did. And THAT? Is a shame.